dirty medical jokes

Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? 7. A doctor and a patient joke; What kind of bees produce milk? There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". A woman goes into labor with her child. "Conjunctivitis.com that's a site for sore eyes. Why did the turkey cross the road? What is a double-blind study?Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram. Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. Because you could ride my lightning. I told them, "Just you wait!" 5. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. 3. ER: The things on your head that you hear with, Genes: Blue denim slacks Outpatient: A person who has fainted, Pap Smear: Making fun of Dad ""The bad news is it's brain cancer. I never could before!, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.The patient blushed and replied, Compared to who?, "Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? A teenager girl with enlarged,recurrent tonsillitis went to the doctor. 6 The Diagnosis. You've got your taste back. Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! "Doctor: "120. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. What band was better than The Cure? I don't need to write it down." Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. ", One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible.Doctor: Well, tell him I cant see him right now., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.Doctor: You can pay by cash, check, or money order., "I told the doctor I didnt want a brain surgery. Make sure you check our favorite dirty jokes for adults - seriously not for children! "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. Why did the rope go to the doctor?It had a knot in its stomach. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. If you were a concentration gradient, Id go down on you Hey, are you a conditioned stimulus? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. Can you please help me? ", 10. Dirty, hospital, medical, nurse, viagra. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. Option 2: Let's eat, grandma. "We need a 4th for poker""I'll be right over" says the doctor. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe., Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body. ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. You can change your preferences. Whats the best place to hide from a doctor?The apple orchard. A new hybrid. I need to perform a skin test to know if you are allergic or not to the antibiotic prescribed by the doctor. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital". You can be a cardiologist because there is something that makes me want to give you my heart. Weirdly, I've been taking some anti-impotence medication for my sunburn. Source: kandanguang84.blogspot.com What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Another funny story published onsott.net: The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.. Please enter your email to complete registration. POST. ", 3. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. More Dirty Jokes. All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies. I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting. If I treat someone with pneumonia, he will die of pneumonia., A guy strolls into work with both of his ears bandaged up.His boss asks him, Jeez, what happened to your ears?Well, yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron.Well, that explains one ear, the boss replied, but what about the other one?I had to call the doctor!, A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! Why did the library book go to the doctor?It needed to be checked out. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. "I will look at him. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. "He replied, "I doubt it somehow. He puts a sign outside the clinic: oh silly, silly, naive me.. "If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons." The doctor says, "I see. What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. Dissolvable relationships. My son swallowed a razor-blade., Doctor: Quick, hes losing a lot of blood. These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. ", 4. Check your inbox, and click on the link to activate your account. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure. ", A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. No reason to panic. Why did the doctor take a red pen to work? What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery? Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian?Apparently, its all about the delivery for some people. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. Here are all the best chicken jokes, just for you! ", Nurse: Doctor! The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. "The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop ! Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. ", The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. he asks. Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. ", The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong.I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes, the man complains.Have you ever seen a doctor? she asks.No, just spots maam., One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. ", 8. He said "It's just a pigment . "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Enema: Not a friend ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating. Pilot left his microphone on. To complete the subscription process, please click the link in the email we just sent you. Here you will find the nasty and sexual limericks that we can't show on the main page. 11 A Good Medical Joke. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. "I have some good news and some bad news. "Alright," says the vet. 7 points. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave? That doesnt mean ignoring your health though. What can I do?Doctor: Use a pencil until I come see him.. You sent me a bill for $1,000. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke Who stands in for doctors when they need to go on leave?The hip replacement guy. You have tennis elbow. Then she looks at its eyes. I'm feeling a little off today. Why did the ladybird go to the doctor?She had spots! Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!Doctor: Dont worry, I have some cream for that., Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?Doctor: Sell!, What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?Get dressed up the doctor is taking us out!. The 48+ Best Medical School Jokes - UPJOKE. Doctor: "d@mmt! ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. "Your tap water is too hard. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. "Hello, Doctor," says the arm. She will rise and shine.. 'Why do you feel that?' It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. I cant stop my hands from shaking.. ", 5. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. 12: Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is. She called his name and asked him what he has while leading him to the examination room. Let's make music on my sheets. We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! "My cat is very fat," she says. ", An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die? Doctors themselves have a great, if a little morbid, sense of humor. Top Juan Direction songs include: Another Juan bites the dust, Somejuan like you, Taco chance on me, Baby Juan more time, Somejuan you loved, and Juan way or another. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. One day, a woman walks into a doctors office.She has a cucumber in her nose, a carrot in her left ear, and a banana in her right ear.Whats wrong with me? she asks the doctor.Youre not eating properly, he replies. I'm going to have to put your cat down. The doctor . By queensland university of technology. Catscan: Searching for kitty What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. Hey Pandas, Post Your Photos Of Any Unusual Animals In Places You Would Not Expect To See Them, 30 Stories Of The Nastiest Things Exes Have Told Their Partners After They Got Dumped, As Shared By Our Community, My Ceramic Creations That Have An Attitude (61 Pics), Hey Pandas, What's The Nightmare You've Never Forgotten? Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. "Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten! Fulfilled this dream when I became a content creator and a filmmaker. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. i have an imaginary girlfriend.. Nurse to doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he is invisible.". ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. Irish Jokes the doctor. 82.44 % / 2043 votes. ''I see the problem. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." It says, Doc, you gotta help me! My thermometer just broke. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. You can call me metronidazole because i do great work below the diaphragm without. Patient: "Doctor, Ive got a month to feed. I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing, he said. Husband: The doctor said I can touch myself whenever I want. 40 Funny Blonde Jokes You Should Probably Never Say Out Loud. Of course, if that doesnt work then well just have to put you down.. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses. COPY JOKE. Days? AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. That will be $500." Being blonde comes with tolerating a lot, from expensive toning shampoos to the constant pressure to live up to the saying that blondes have more fun. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. Patient: Doctor, I am feeling much better now. ", Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." A group of physicians are duck hunting. 85. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill the procedure. Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. ""Whos there?""3:30. To return Click Here. What's the good news? These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it.. Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. Wanna take the joke a little far? Dentists always get to the root of the problem. "I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.Doctor: How do you feel?Patient: A little down in the mouth.. I'd like to finger your fret board. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. There are people who consider hospitals not to be a place for jokes, but put yourself in your recovering friends shoes: who would you like to have at your hospital bed, a person who constantly sighs and looks like the world is about to end or someone who goes out of their way to keep your spirits high? I cant keep from yawning all day long.The doctor says, Well, I think its because youre two tired., A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem.The doctor asks, How often do you pass gas? and the man replies "10 to 15 times an hour. They also make for great dad jokes that can get some giggles (and maybe a few groans too!). His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat. Because you're making me drool. Title of the movie. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. It only costs $10." When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'. ", A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe.After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.Doctor: "I have some good news and bad news. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, "What the hell was that?" "Woman: "Oh, that's actually a nice name. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! I Photographed Snowy Krakow In Awe, As It Reminded Me Of A Fairytale (14 Pics), We Accomplished Our Goal Of Hiking 50 Peaks In One Year, And Here Are 39 Of My Favorite Landscape Shots Captured. David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act. Why did the pillow go to the doctor?He was feeling all stuffed up! Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe. Im dying of curiosity!. 5 New Will to Live. Here's your $1000 back." That will be $500." Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. "The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. I'm a musician, but let me tell you this. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? That's a huge miscommunication! This is Gasoline!" Man: "It was, and she is". She decided that if she had so much time left to live, she might as well make the most of it. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. 2. A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says: I hung him there to dry. A guy and a girl met at a bar. 3. Can you check it out please?" What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? If not love, dark, dirty humor makes the whole world rolling. ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Option 1: Let's eat grandma. You make my heartbeat like a drop of epinephrine. One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. We respect your privacy. * "Jurassic Pig". A man having trouble with his vision decides to visit his doctor. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in?Shadys back. He forgot to wrap his whopper. But I refused. He states "I just hit a flying animal. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. A: Only if you aim it well enough. Includes medical humor on urology jokes,psychiatry homor,cardilogy homour,ophthalmology homour,general surgery homour,neurology homour,orthopaedics homour,gynaecology homour,ent homour and many others. A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house, An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. The doctor takes "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. dirty. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. Who do you call when you need a doctor immediately? "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. 3. Or you just rocked my world?! The doctor A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have heart transplant (donated by a man) . He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? The emergency physicians turns around and says, "I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure that I hit it.". Barium: What doctors do when patients die. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? 'Because,' I replied, 'I've got tire marks on my legs. Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized. because i put on the wrong sock this morning. brutalanglosaxon 2. Are you still coughing?The patient replies, No, Im afraid to., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think Im turning into curtains.Doctor: Pull yourself together!. Rectum: Almost killed him "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. Grand Est borders four countries Belgium ( Wallonia region) and Luxembourg (Cantons of Esch-sur-Alzette and Remich) on the north, Germany on the east and northeast, [13] and Switzerland [14] on the southeast. Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?An URL-ologist. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! ", What did the balloon say to the doctor?I feel light-headed.. 2. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-Tip, but it went in one ear and out the other. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. They're both fine. Have you got anything to keep it in?' Fo drizzle. Then into its ears.Finally, she turns to the girl and says, "I'm very sorry. One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. A: He made a spectacle of himself A dirty double . He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. Soak your arm in warm water. 2. Any news on how hes doing?, A seven-year-old girl came home and told her mom, A boy in my class asked me to play doctor..